do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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