I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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