I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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