my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
