Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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