Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
