i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
