I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
