on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
