so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
