Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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