every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
