he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
