Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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