I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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