Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
