she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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