Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
