im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize