she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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