it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
