he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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