we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
