i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
