This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
