Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
