yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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