I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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