i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
