I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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