i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
