I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
