im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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