Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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