The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
