I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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