I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
