so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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