I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
