I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
