Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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