problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The air taste purple.
Randomize
