you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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