its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
How's work?
Spinning.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
