She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
