Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
