My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize