Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
