I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
