I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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