Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
