My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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