There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
