...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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