sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
