I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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