you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
