I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
